Growing up right from when I was little, I have been made to look at beauty as girls that had big breasts, big booty, proper flawless skin and a flat ass tummy. Having this idea of beauty in my head made me hate on myself for a very long time.
Why have I hated myself? I was small, slim, small boobs and small ass. The worse part was when I started having acne then alot of personal family issues followed up.
One day I looked at pictures of girls and looked at myself and asked myself why can’t I be that pretty, why can’t I have a bigger booty, why am I not tall enough to at least be a model? Trust me guys I felt totally worthless.
But recently I’ve been reading blog posts and watching videos on self confidence and self love and I realized the reason why my esteem was low, why I didn’t feel good enough in any room I walked into was because I haven’t found love for myself or my body.
Yes the roots of my hate for myself was deep, from bullying in school to hearing how men prefer thicker girls and modeling agencies rejecting the slim girl cause she wasn’t tall enough even to feeling like the guys I dated would prefer to be with girls richer, with more clearer skin, flawless body and all.
But recently I’ve been able to open my eyes to see that I’m special, beautiful and more than enough. I slowly have been trying to have self-acceptance.
Self acceptance is removing the negative idea we have about who we are supposed to be and accepting who we are.
This is the core of self love. Accepting yourself just as you are and knowing you’re enough. But this is also a very hard thing to do because if you suffer from self hatred it means the voice in your head telling you “you’re not good enough or the reason why your boyfriend hasn’t called you today is because he finally noticed how ugly you are” is stronger than the voice telling you you’re beautiful and sexy the way you are and he might have not called cause he is busy.
In other to accept ourselves and enjoy loving ourselves we have to first shut that negative voice up. We have to start feeling the small quiet positive voice that we’ve been ignoring all our lives and start listening to the voice. It’s hard I know but it is possible.
I understood that the moment there isn’t anyone to tell me you look beautiful today I felt ugly and I understood that was not healthy. If I kept doing that then I would only be living my life on the validation of others which is terribly wrong and mentally unhealthy. It meant I would never be happy because no one is there to make me feel like I’m worth it; the greater question is what would I do when everyone is busy living their own lives and I had to be on my own to push myself forward?
So I started waking up and staring at myself in the mirror to appreciate everything on my face and body. I had acne and started taking care of my skin to bring the best I could out of it. I started pampering myself and stopped feeling of I can’t use what Kim Kardashian is using then I couldn’t be pretty or have flawless skin and started looking into what little things could I use to make myself feel pampered and loved.
I used meditation and mantras to uplift my spirit also from the inside cause if you don’t feel good inside then you won’t feel you look good outside. I tried my best to give myself the love and also I made sure I slowly and I still am slowly dealing with all the pain and hurt from my past.
I also told myself to only do things that would make me happy and stop trying to please others outside.
I tell myself loving things.
This is still a working progress. I know sometimes I still fall victim to the negative but I always try to get back up. Sometimes I still wait for someone to say get up girl don’t you know you’re beautiful but most times I really don’t believe them till I look in the mirror and repeat it to myself.
Self love is a whole process and it is a slow and steady win the race process. Don’t rush it, take it slowly.
And the one thing I know I am slowly learning to do also is to stop comparing myself with other girls. That’s another hard part but it’s a part that is very vital. You’re as a person cannot be the same as another. You’re race is different. Focus on you and give yourself some slack. I tell myself all these things everyday also the same way I have written it here to share with everyone.
It’s a hard journey but it would get easier along the way.